Lucky people who are already on Thanksgiving Break, I want you to know that I hate you all. You make me want to go back to high school.

Fuck my life at this very point. I have not done anything to prove that I fucking belong in college. I mean. What the fuck am I doing here? I wonder why I keep getting to this point and why the result is always the same. I always hope for something better and nothing but disaster comes my way.

I'm sorry for whatever happened to you today. It's not that I dont' want to know and it's not that I want to know right this moment. When you're ready, then I'll still be here. You may never even tell me and it won't even matter because I'll still be your friend. Feel better.

You're the only one I tell everything to at this moment, and for some reason I feel like I can't tell you anything anymore. It's not because I don't trust you. But through this, I think it's just unfair.

Gosh, I don't even want to think about you.

When I think about it, I feel that I do a lot for you guys and then I feel that you guys don't really meet me halfway. Is it enough to just think your friendship is all I ask of you? No, I don't do things for you because I want you to be my fucking BFFFs. Shit, I don't even think it's about that. I like you guys and that's why I want to be able to help you all to the best of my abilities. I think I treat everyone I like that way, but I don't know. Maybe I do too much and then I think I'll get the same feelings in return. I should just stop and slow down.

Thank you for listening to my rant and making light of the situation[no sarcasm]. I feel like I am being stupid and it's just the fucking period taking over right now. Hopefully things will just be better tomorrow.

Perhaps if I just sleep it off I will be ok.
I have a psychology paper due Tuesday and I haven't started.
To top that off I lost my psychology book.
I think I failed the ELWR test today.
I am very sleep right now even when I slept at 11 and woke up at 8:30am today. I guess I just don't do well in the mornings. Fuck, I don't need anymore than 8 hours of sleeeeep!! D:
Thanksgiving Break... Maybe a break is what we need afterall.

P.S.
Sorry to all my friends back home if I don't seem like I care.
Sorry for no more random phone calls[or any at all for that matter].
Sorry for the never-sent post cards.
Sorry for no letters.
Sorry for not enough IMs, facebook wall-posts, Myspace comments, etc.
Sorry for not texting a simple "hey how you doing"

Oh, man, it's been so long since I've last blogged. But I really can't find much to blog about these days. Everything has been going pretty well. Well except for school work. I really need to have more self-discipline. And I've been eating a lot. ahahaha. I realize that I've only gone home once this whole time. Well I'm coming home this weekend, but that's only if I can find a ride. ahahaha. I really want to go home. I'm tired of everything. I want to sleep on my bed again, see my family, see my friends, see my car, see my house, see my... well you get the idea. Last weekend, I went down to LA with my roommates. It was pretty tight. Got to meet their family, friends and how they lived. They lead pretty interesting lives.
Just to recap:
-raided party
-mongoose guy
-like a cop car
-sobriety driver's license check
-alcohol
-weed
-whack friends
-death of j.lo's dad
-driving for hours on eeeeend.
-98cent Store. HAHA.
-King Taco

And yea, so much more but that's the crazy stuff that happened. I had a midterm today. It was for psychology. I was so ill-prepared. I just know I did not do well on that exam. I will step up my game. NO MORE FUCKING AROUND.




I am tired beyond measure.

I wanted to send this to Felicia last night but she fucking took too long. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

So, I don't know. College isn't as great as I thought it would be. It's my fault. I didn't work hard enough to make it to the top where all my friends are. I wish I was with them. I miss them so much. Last night I was so sad. I swear, I could have cried. I mean, everyone here is fine. Maybe it's just me. I can't make myself like these people. I'm not used to it. It's so diverse so many people to work with so many things to do so many thoughts going through my mind all at once. I wish everything could just slow down.

I miss my friends more than anything. I can't converse with anyone like I can back home. My roommates are the best though. I'm really happy that they are my roommates rather than those shallow white girls. But even with them, I can't have a sense of happiness. I may appear like I am fine but it really sucks. I wish I was impressionable, and easy to get along with. I wish I knew more about the outside world than just what is around me. I hope I can find something or some people who that will help ease this silent suffering.

Last night I played pingpong and air hockey with some floormates. They're all really nice, but I can't help but feel out of place when I am with them. I guess something about me is not interesting. Could be because I am the only Chinese girl there. -_- ahaahaha.

I'm glad everyone isn't having too much of a hard time settling down. I was telling my roommate this morning how I feel like I'm not even in college and that I'm really just taking a summer class. Cause that's what it really feels like right now. Even with the whole dorming and what not. I'm not that sad about it anymore, after writing it all down but I don't know. There's some kind of feeling that is still lingering.

This whole blog may seem like all I care about is my social life but it really isn't about that. Like the aforementioned, I like my roommates very much and appreciate them. I am glad they are who they are. I used to think they were sometimes a bit slow, shallow, and just silly. But last night they proved to me that I was the slow, shallow and silly one. After coming home from air hockey and pingpong feeling all cruddy, I found my roommates diligently at work. I was about to start on my homework as well when someone wanted to webcam with me. But something wasn't working and I got mad and wondered why it didn't work. Then they yelled [well not really yell] at me and said why I wasn't doing my homework. And it totally hit me, that I have to be responsible for my own actions. So I just turned off everything and did my homework. But I felt really really stupid and embarassed. It is an extremely shallow thought.

I'll be ok.

Saturday is coming at rapid speed. Actually not really. I feel like my days are wasted. Sitting in that office from 10am to 6pm is an extreme waste of time. But I do do a lot of thinking. And lately I've been thinking about goals and what not. Everyone has goals right? Where would you be if you didn't? I'll tell you where you'll be. You'll be sitting here writing a xanga blog. The future is very crucial. My parents have always tried to drill that into my mind. My puny microscopical mind. It took me 18 years to learn this. I can't believe it. I am really really pathetic. But there's no point in moping about being pathetic. The purpose of this blog is to remind myself of the day I'm going to grow up. This summer I learned a lot about others and especially myself. I have to thank everyone because they've definitely helped me grow. I don't think I'd be thinking the same way today. Well, another factor could be because I'm entering college in 2 days and I'm going to miss everyone so much it might kill me. If I had one thing/advice to give to people still in high school is, definitely listen to your elders. They know what they're talking about and they're only out there to help you out. Don't just have your own mindset but open your mind to other options. And know that you're never alone. I have to thank my special friends for reminding me that. I've been going through some inner turmoil and confusion for the past few weeks and thanks to them I'm doing quite well. I won't give up and neither should you.

I'm done playing around and I have my mind set. And that is to study hard and work towards my goal, when I find out what that is XD ahahaha


For the next few days I have some things to take care of. I've gotta see Mr. Goodman one more time tomorrow. :( I feel bad for not seeing him in so long. Even though I visited the first week ahahha. How pathetic of me. I hope I don't start crying. I probably won't.

I donated blood today. I hope I saved some people's life.




oh my god.
Tac.
I cried watching Shinobi.
What the hell is wrong with me? I CRY WATCHING EVERYTHING. DX

Boy, did I sound like an emo sap in my past few blogs. ahahahaha. But yea, it was horrible. It still is horrible. I really can't enjoy anything until it's all settled and done. I'm hurting but slowly getting better. Things are looking good, but I don't want to speak too soon. Let's all keep our fingers crossed.

Thank you for all your support. You guys are always there for me. I don't know how I am going to survive when I don't see you guys anymore =[ I will miss you guys so much. I can't believe time has limited us to 9 days now...

My friends are the only thing that's going to keep me from killing myself.

Thank you so fucking much.

I don't know what to do. I feel horrible. This is all my fault. But if I don't go to college, I will be miserable for the rest of my life. I didn't do anything right this whole year.

2008, why are you so horrible to me? Why do you treat me so? I know I have done a lot of bad things and I have always chosen the wrong path to follow, but this is too important to me. But, I have no one else to blame for this but myself.


Guys, what am I going to do? How am I going to continue on like this? I even thought, that if I died tomorrow, it'd be ok because this problem would be gone. But you know, that's so stupid. Who the hell even thinks like that anymore? But I'm really stressed out about this. I don't think I can sleep tonight. But my head really hurts.. what can save me? What can I do to make things right? Or is it really all too late? I feel like I can't wait another day, but the due date is already coming so soon... Everyone is leaving, if I'm the only one who stays who will I turn to? I will miss them more than anything. Dad says I'm a failure. Nothing new right? But all my friends made me believe I could be something and that I'm not a failure. I don't even know where I'm going with saying all this. My head is so fucked up right now. Ok, Tac thinks I should sleep now. I will try to. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. And maybe a miracle will happen next week. I just need that. I just need a miracle.

YES!OK! I know I'm useless. I know I don't know how to ask questions. I know I haven't seen much of the world, therefore I am ignorant. But saying those things will not help me. Is it my fault that I didn't know the world would be this complicated? Is it my fault I am this naive? Maybe. But who was the one who never showed me how complicated the world is? Who never made the effort to explain to me the ways of this horrible game called life? I will never make the same mistake you guys made. I will not leave my children ignorant causing them THIS much pain and suffering.

On the other hand, maybe it is just all my fault. I never asked. I never cared. Now, I have no choice but to care. Everything changes once you become an adult. I never knew how tiring and difficult it is to be an adult. Sorry, I never saw how much you guys suffered. But it seems like changing my ways, would be hard right now.

Today was pretty good. I went to the tennis picnic in the morning. Well before that, my mom dragged me out with her to Costco to buy tables and what not. I was about an hour late for the picnic, but whatever. I got to know the newbies a bit more :) I learned a lot about them actually. They're very interesting and I'm glad I can make them laugh. It knocks down a bit of that awkward barrier. But, it's no longer my turn to get to know them and be the one to help and guide them. There's a new pack of upperclassmen who will make them feel welcome and at ease. [I hope.] I saw that some of them were trying to play 10Fingers. I thought that was cute. That made me really happy actually. But I knew I couldn't join them [even though I really wanted to T.T] cause it's not me they needed to get to know it was each other. So I let them be. But, again, I was ecstatic for the rest of the day.

Also, being with them has made me realized how I am really not part of the team anymore. I don't mean that in a negative way. I mean in some sense, I am, but looking at the bigger picture, I am supposed to have moved on with going to college and what not. Daphne and Brian got them their schedules and immediately there was a schedule frenzy. Everyone starting crowding around each other and complaining about their schedule. I just got a headache but at the same time I'm thinking "Thank God I no longer have to deal with such pain.." haahaah Well, actually, I still do but it's not as extreme. Ack, where the heck am I going with this? I think you guys know what I'm trying to say. I know what I'm thinking. But I guess the reason I still hang around is because I'm still trying to hold on to whatever's left of what I had. But it's ok, I'm letting go. Slowly.

Actually, I really don't know why it takes me so much longer to do things than others. I don't understand why I still hold on to these kinds of things when everyone has already let go. Moved on. DONE. I don't know why I still linger on the tennis team when I absolutely hated tennis last season. The sound of tennis. The feeling of tennis. I hated it. I dread it. I still do. But I keep going back. I mean, if only things were done systematically. Then I wouldn't have a problem. But this is so hard. I've always been like this and saying I could just drop it and let everything go is so much easier. GAH. All right, no more. Let it be the last.

So lately I've been listening to my jpop songs again. Actually it hasn't been lately, it's been for a while. I can't remember when it started again. But I've realized why I've been at it again. ahaha this is such an unnecessary paragraph but it's just an epiphany I'd like to record somewhere. When I first listened to Ayu's new songs at the time, I didn't like it. So I just stopped from there. Suddenly this summer, I don't know what happens but I guess one day I just decided to look up a live video of a song that I actually really liked. And it just so happens that the English translations were on it too, so obviously I read along. And after reading the lyrics, I loved the song even more. It was so beautiful. I felt like I understood the song better. Songs that never made sense, made sense! And I knew the feelings that she felt when singing it. [oh my god. this is so corny -__- ] But yea. Then I started doing that with the other songs, and well yea, you get the idea. ahahaha. So if you ever ride with me in the car, and Japanese music plays. You'll know why. I don't know why but I feel weird when I'm in a car listening to jpop with other people who don't listen to jpop. I feel like I shouldn't listen to it because they don't know what it's about or they just don't know it. But I'm over that so I'll just play it whenever I feel like it. I have Tac to thank for all this ahahaha. Speaking of Tac, I was talking to her about something like this.
crystalequine411: you like the song that much huh? XD
pandaxpress705: i think i just like it
pandaxpress705: because i liked it at a time
pandaxpress705: where i was very happy
pandaxpress705: and everything felt so at ease
pandaxpress705: and this song just brings back that feeling?
pandaxpress705: XD
pandaxpress705: wow that sounds corny
Yep. To put it simply. That's how I feel about it. Haven't you ever felt that way about something? Something that just brings back good and happy memories.

SF
Hookah
Night Head Genesis
Kennedy Park
Target dorm supply shopping.
When Love Begins... *tear*

Oh gosh where do I even begin...

uhh
-Meteor shower for the first time in my life. Absolutely amazing night.
-Niles Canyonx3. Failure. 7 people in a car. I drove Emily's car. Epic shit.
-Olympics at Redwood City. Beard Papa's. with Tac and Jen and family
-Flying kite in a car. Amazing feeling. Stupid couple with baby. Smoking peach flavored Swishers. Olympics at night. Screaming heads off for Phelps/relay team.
-going to pre-conditioning a lot. =[

There were more but I absolutely can not think of it right now. :) These are the things that make me happy. Getting to spend each days having fun with the people I love and know best.

Lately, I've been hating myself again...

edit: it's already been a month of being 18... why must time fly by so quicky..

...I will blog about our definitely most interesting night spent together.

Tacita, Jenny, Emily and I definitely had a great time yesterday.
Iceskating: body-gliding. BALLERINA. HELICOPTERRRR. Painful painful ice skates -_- hahahaha. I am weaksauce. Swivel.
37 Desserts: bad/flirting waiter. FINALLY GREEN TEA CREME BRULEE. Emily's webcam fails to work =[.
Lake Chabot: HAHAHAHAHA. Scary scary stuff. Em and Jenny holding each other the whole way. Me and Tac totally chill. Flashlights. Running for nothing. damn rattling/chirping bugs.
Jenny's house: Curling everyone's hair. CURLING EM'S HAIR = EPIC DISASTER. But Tacita and Jenny turned out extremely nice :] hehehe. I was ok on a few sides XD Directions to Niles Canyon.
Emo Spot: talked and ate. Peed at Safeway beforehand. hahaha.
NilesCanyonRoad: Scared at first. Tac scared me a little. She got scared[hahahaha] Nice drive. Calming ayumi trance music. Scary "motorcycle". Disappointed a bit.
Drove to some neighborhood near Union Landing and drank: Lame. Didn't get drunk. Didn't really intend to. It was kinda fun though. :) Didn't bring cap opener for beer. Sake was nasty shit.
Heron Bay: Hotel Vic's Green Van. HAHAHAH. Parked near a park for the rest of the night. Pokemon naming game. Emily was totally gone. Emily threw up. Emily totally sucks at the pokemon naming game. Tac's bladder problem. They were really loud hahahahaha. Slept at 5am. Woke up at 7am T__T Hard to sleep again. Sun came up and made it even harder. Went home at 9am. hahaah. End.



Even though the night didn't go as planned... well there wasn't really a plan so maybe that's why XD. But I still had a lot of fun :) It's always fun if it's with them. <3

I DON'T APPRECIATE...
-the things you say to me.
-how you try to take control of my life
-how you always think I don't have a plan
-how you just assume that i'm going to do poorly in everything
-how you talk crappy about my school
-how you fucking give me bullshit about how all you want for me is a good future and make lots of money . what the fuck happened to me being happy? FUCK THAT. YOU NEVER CARED.

So I guess we're not talking.. again, right? FINE. I don't need a father like you anyway.

All right, I didn't get the sidekick LX. Whatever, I don't even care anymore.

I don't have money. I'm a broke a hoe. HAHA. no I'm not actually a hoe. But I am broke. I feel so frustrated with my grandma right now. And my dad. And my cousin. I think these 3 people are the ones that nag at me, yell at me, or straight up fucking annoys me. They're the ones I want to push away. But I feel bad. They're my family. I don't know what to do with them. Between the four of us, our greatest flaw is the communication barrier. I can't speak Chinese fluently enough to make her understand how I feel. Thus I resort to yelling because I am constantly frustrated at the fact that I can't communicate with her and that she yells at me for the dumbest thing. Just now she yells at me and Kevin for having turned on all our lights and saying how we're ungrateful electricity-using children. She says we don't care because we're not the one who has to fork up the money to pay for the bills and stuff. Well you know, all you have to do is just turn off the lights if you're not satisfied with it. I don't really care. I just turn it on because I need to look around my room for things. But whatever. STOP TELLING ME TO GO LOOK FOR A JOB. IT'S ALREADY TOO FUCKING LATE.

Then my dad. I don't know what the hell is his problem. Maybe he's too stressed from work and because of Kevin and because of me and because of my mom. Work = not good business. Kevin = failure son. Me = failure daughter and lazy and can't do anything right and a big fat procrastinator. Mom = keeps wasting gas and time and money on her second job. WELL FUCK YOU. You don't know anything. First of all, your business is failing because you don't know how to do business. Kevin, is just headed towards destruction, but that doesn't mean somewhere along the line he'll get back on his feet. Ok, maybe I'm holding on to the slightest hint of hope, but that's just how I feel. Me, I AM trying to get things done. I'm just scared. I wish it was easier to tell you all these things but you won't understand because you just don't understand me. Mom, she's trying her god damn best trying to help our family survive. I know you are too, but you should be giving her support. SHE'S WORKING 2 JOBS. She doesn't need your criticism. WE DON'T NEED YOUR CRITICISM.

Cousin. All I gotta say is, get off your fucking ass and lose 100 pounds. You are going to die at this rate. You know this, but you aren't realizing it. Stop trying to buy my "love"

Yep. I just wanted to get that off my chest. It's been irking me for weeks now. Today was Coach's Retirement Party. I went because I wanted to swim hehehehehe. It was fun. Then it was also a waste of time. Afterwards, Luwissa and Becky came over and we got pizza and talked. Luwissa left around 830, so it was just me and Beck. We talked for a long time. umm, I don't know. Becky and I don't talk about a lot of interesting things. We just kinda say what's on our minds. Well she does most of the talking :P I get the feeling that sometimes we can't talk about really deep things. I did tell her something about one of my friends that's been bothering me. She seemed to have understood it a bit, but I'm not sure. She's only interested in other people's love life :P Sorry, I don't have one. hahahaha

Last night Tacita stayed over. We were supposed to go to Niles Canyon. =[ Sorry we didn't go. I felt really bad because I know she was really looking forward to that. BUT MY FREAKING PARENTS DIDN'T GO TO SLEEP TILL 3AM. We couldn't sneak out... I will make it up to you. WE WILL GO ONE OF THESE NIGHTS. Thanks for always being down to hang out :) <3

OH, btw, I am giving up meat for a month. I'm sort of doing this as an experiment. Although nobody believes that. They all just think I'm trying to go on a diet. Ok, I sort of am. But I just want to see how much weight I'd lose just by not eating meat alone. I remember one time Ms. Everitt [AP Eng teacher] said she lost 10 pounds just by not eating chocolate. That inspired me. :) hahahaha Speaking of which, I got a 2. =[

Victoria,
30 years from now when you re-read your old journal blogs. Remember that yesterday was the first time in your life that you were thrown a Surprise Birthday Party. Oh, Congratulations on turning 18. hahahaha.


Wow I feel stupid and gay. But yesterday was a lot of fun. Those stupid girls. hahahaha
Thanks to all my friends for making today fun =]<3
Thanks Tacita for taking me in on such late notice and letting me crash for the night.Rockband. Supernatural. Fuuuun stuff :]
Oh, and thank you everyone for the birthday wishes. eventhoughtheywouldneverreadthisanywayitdoesntmatterheheheheh.

Today I'm going to try and buy the SidekickLX. We'llsee :X

Tacita, I just took a stroll down memory lane. I stayed up late watching Ayu PVs. Brought back so many memories. I remember when you were obsessed with GAME. Then I thought about Fairyland and how that song used to make me feel like I was on top of the world. Then I listened to HEAVEN. Then I listened to CAROLS and I remembered how that song used to make me cry. Then there was HONEY. That song always made me happy and smile all the time. Jewel is a nice song. *GASP* AND VOYAAAGGEEE. <3 I will never forget that the song that got me into Ayu was Voyage and I think it was SEASONS. OHOH, and remember how we used to *LOOOOOOOVE* Walking Proud. We got MD players because of that song. I think. Well at least I did. I think. Damn I can't remember now. Well, now that I think about it, pretty much all of Ayu's songs had some kind of memory attached to it. Thank God for that. ahhaa. Not only am I starting to feel nostalgic but a little sad. Because when I think back, I was pretty damn happy. I was a pretty damn happy kid. WE were pretty damn happy kids. I don't know what's happening. Could it be the process of growing up? I don't know. But I wish I could have times like those again. I mean, I would give anything to have that again.

So I woke up at 5am today to go to court.
Feelings running through me: sleepy. bored. kinda excited. apprehensive. impatient. sad. anxious.
Things that happened: mom talked to me about family problems while waiting in line. That was weird. Then some lady tried to cut some black guy in line and there was an argument about that. In the end, the lady didn't get to go in. Saw a real court room for the first time in my life. Talked to a judge.

That was the most "grown-up thing" I've ever done. Actually I did a lot of "grown-up things" today. I've taken a lot of matters into my own hands today. I went to court. I called the UCSC financial aid office. I filled out my job applications. I checked my UCSC Portal and summer orientation confirmation stuff. It's so confusing. I wish I didn't have to do everything alone. I wish there was someone else I could go to for advice of UCSC and what to do. My parents aren't home to help me and even then, they can't because they have so much to do and they just don't understand. Yea. I have big problems being alone. I am probably the most dependent person in the world. Why can't I change? And why must I be so sensitive about every little thing. Ugh. I am really a big baby. >:O Well, anyway, back to topic. Summer Orientation is on July 15th. I will be going there alone because guests cost fucking $95. I don't know why. Whatever though. I don't know how I'm going to survive in college.

Ok. I'm over it. I'm going to remember these horrible days. hahahaa. If I enjoy college, I may never want to come back. Or it could easily be the opposite. But I'm hoping not..




ok list of things i gotta do:
-promissory notice
-$154 and traffic school [sept. 5]
-charles schwab account papers [fill out before birthday]
-voting papers
-choose all my classes before orientation [7/15]
-check the checklist.
-finish filling out job app for gamestop and then turn it in damn it.
-run some more
-fix email thing for ucsc